Empty Shadow

For the past two-ish months I have been feeling dead inside. No matter what I do, I have this empty feeling following me, a shadow that won't go away.It's like I am sleep walking through life and I can't be woken up, numb. I feel like a dead ghost walking that's been over dosed with electric shock therapy. I have done things that I have been waiting very patiently to do just to come to the realization that it felt empty, as if it never even happened. I feel like I have a very empty heart without my best friend. I miss my best friend. My best friend is like no elses best friend. My best friend and I have built a friendship that sooooo many people wish for, yet so few get. My best friend and I built a friendship on pure genuine trust, honesty, and communication, the three pillars which are needed to form a lasting relationship. We were a perfect balance. My weaknesses were his strengths and my strengths were his weaknesses. We were there to encourage one another when no one else would. I found pure joy in watching him succeed and reach his goals. We genuinely cared and wanted the best for one another not ever expecting anything in return, unlike others. We had a connection that was in tune with our souls. We finished each others sentences and understood what the other was feeling when no one else could. My best friend was the only person who I could truly let me wall down around and be my stubborn self. He knew the words to my heart when I had forgotten them. I was once told that everyone walks around with a half soul, the other half is missing until you find the right person who makes you feel whole, your soul mate. He is my better half, the half of my soul that was missing, my soul mate. The day my best friend said goodbye to me I have never in my life cried as much or as hard as I did on December 29-2009. There was an odd feeling in my chest, a feeling that I never felt before. The part of me that was always filled, suddenly went empty. It was a physical emptiness, vacant feeling in my chest, in my soul. At that point a great cold chill came over my body, and I came to the realization that it was my best friends sweet measure of his soul that added so much happiness to my existence. I miss my best friend and the closeness we shared through our friendship. I know that he is a true blessing that has touched my life and inspired me to become a better person and to be the person I am today. Anyone who gets to meet this great soul, treat him well because after all he is my best friend and true blessing and gift to enter your life and if you hurt him I WILL come after you. I will always love him, care for him, and want the best for him.

Thinking of You

Pictures becasue I felt like it

Random Pictures/ My Birthday/ Valentines Day

Dinner at BJ's with Ariel, Eric and Rana <3 !

Eric having too much to drink and Rana wishing she could.....

 

This is suppose to be proof that I eat a piece of steak 

After dinner off to Clints for B-Day/V-Day party... There will be a re-do for my b-day since all the people I truly wanted there weren't there

 

Random Pictures of People and their awesomeness!!!..... 

  Rana and Me wait for 2010....

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Fun with Christine and Eric in Hollywood

 

Random Fun Stuff...

Paularino Elementary tile made in 1999 by Brother and ME! 

BCD Club tile made in 2003 at Davis Elementary

 

 Fab Five tile made in 2003 at Davis Elementary

Mariya having too much fun with Ariel's dog, Millie

Ariel being....Ariel.....

I think this says it all-ish....

NOT taken in 2006

 

Happy Love Day!!!!

You are only single if your heart says so, so don't end up like this guy. Give extra love to those who mean the most to you and you will see that you are filled with love. HAPPY LOVE DAY!!!!

Wishing You Were Here

This year I have entered my last year of teen-hood and every year this thing called "birthday" comes around. Every year you are suppose to make a wish over the candles because we all get at least one good wish a year and we hope that the wish we make over those candles will be that one good wish to come true. Some of us throw in more lucky stars, lucky penny, eyelashes, fountains, etc. when the birthday candles didn't work. Once in a blue moon these wishes come true. So what happens when that wish comes true? Is it as good as we’d hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness… or do we just notice we’ve got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished. We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help, or we’re scared, or missing someone and you wish they were there to help you blow out your candles. Even though we know we may be asking too much, we still wish though, because sometimes...they come true. Bring on the candles!!!

Fear of the Dark

When you’re little, night time is scary, because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older the monsters are still there but they turn into self doubt, loneliness, regret, etc. Even though we may think that we older and wiser you still find yourself scared of the dark. For some, sleep is the easiest thing to do, you just close your eyes and go off to dream land where scary monsters don't exist. But for some of us, who are still too scared to close our eyes cuz we think even in our sleep the monsters will come back and haunt us. Sleep just simply seems to be out of our grasp. We want it, we need it, but we don't know how to get it. Once our demons face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary, because we realize we aren't alone in the dark.

Wishful thinking in February

So today is the first day of the worst month...February...thank god its only 28 days long. I have never in my life ever wanted to change the day of my birth so much...is there a way I could I go back in time and chose to be born on any other day but the day RIGHT BEFORE Valentines Day or in this case S.A.D.?...wishful thinking...Maybe this February won't completely suck...I mean there are my friends who are trying to cheer me up about this dreadful month, and give me hope that it won't completely suck, even though the one person who I want the most to be there won't. I am not going to complete hate the next 28 days just the second weekend of this pathetic month and maybe if I force myself to smile through it I might enjoy it. After all, they've know about Big Bear since early December and I still have the room reserved, pathetic I know, that I actually think people will cancel their "hanging out with the guys road trip lets get some girls and party it up" plans to be with me. Like a child I hope- against all logic, against all experience. I never give up hope that they'll chose to be with me on this one weekend and not let other people and their plans get in the way... maybe it's just wishful thinking... can I just skip the hurt that I know I am going to feel when they chose the guys trip? Let's face it. It's more exciting to go with the guys than spend this one meaningful birthday weekend with me. Maybe it's just meaningful and important to me and not to them. I am not going to beg and plead, I am going to let them chose what's more important to them. A weekend spent with the guys or with me. Even though I know the answer, I am still going to have hope that they will see past a guys weekend and see that this is something that is important to me. Birthdays in snow come once a year- road trips come anytime...PLEASE chose a warm fire inside a cabin and snowball fights over an endless car ride...PLEASE!!!???...okay so I lied, maybe a little begging. Besides, how else are they suppose to know this is something that is important to me without saying a word? They are guys!, girls and road trips come first, warm fires and snowballs come second.

Childhood Fantasies

You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that one day prince charming would carry you away to a wonderful castle on a hill where it's just you two where nothing matters anymore? You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. What if that fairy tale never comes true how does someone deal with the pain of losing that fairy tale that meant the most to them? Do you just ride it out and hope for a miracle to make it go away on its own and hope that wound that caused it heals? There are no easy answers, solutions, or guidelines, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed if it's by friends or going out all night or a regretful hook up or work it is managed for those short few hours of your life, until you come home and the fairy tale you once believed in still hasn't come true and you still aren't truly happy. Sometimes pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way above the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more........Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.....UGH!!!!!!.........Bodhi Tree bookstore sounds nice......no or maybe....... an overpriced psychic who will tell me what I want to hear sounds nice

Crawl Back to Love

Love yourself

I have been doing a thing called "cleaning out my life," meaning I am getting rid of what ever is keeping my back from moving forward. The first step to this whole new thing is my room. I have never really realized how much crap I have until I took it apart section by section. One of those things that have clogged up my life are diet books. Every girls best friend and worst enemy. It's pathetic that while more than half the world is starving we are starving ourselves to fit into this unrealistic image we have been given thanks to Hollywood and Vogue. Get rid of the diet books, pills and fads and start to embrace and love your body it is unique and beautiful. First step to self love for me is to stop worrying about the number on the scale. I have as of today gotten rid of every single diet book and I am going to start loving me and all my imperfections. It only took about nine years to hit this realization but it's worth it. As a woman I have been "dieting" since I was ten. I have done everything from liquids to Atkins and they all lead to disappointments. Sure, there are things I wish I could change about myself, but then again I don't. It's become somewhat a challenge to see different faces on TV cuz they all somehow look the same. From personality to looks, somehow Hollywood has succeed at morphing into one big puddle of idiots with no originality. If that's what I have been aiming for, then I am the idiot not see that being different from what is shown on TV and magazines is beautiful and it should be embraced. Now when I look at other people walking down the streets there is beauty in each and every single person. It's time that we love ourselfs because love comes and goes but love for yourself always stays even in the most difficult times.

Moving On

On Monday around 7pm the craziest thing happened. I was at Barnes and Noble reading a few random books and drinking my tea when out of no where a nice looking guy comes by and drops a napkin on top of some book I was looking at. At first I thought he said you dropped this, until I opened it up, and it was his name and number. That was the first time anyone has ever just given me their number without knowing one single thing about me. Those ten seconds made my day a whole lot brighter. Ever since my four year relationship ended, I  have been in denial that it's over and that the person I grow up with and loved so much was no longer part of my future. As soon as I opened up the napkin my denial went away. Today I made peace with the fact that what we once had is over and the memories I have are beautiful and precious memories that I am so blessed to have. Very few people in this world find genuine love and I should be so grateful that I had the chance to experience something so beautiful and rare for four years of my life.  I will keep the memories I have close to my heart, not on my walls, and I will not ask myself what could of or what if questions anymore. It is time to move on and not look back. I believe things happen for a reason, and as much as it may sting to admit this... there is a reason why we are not together anymore, and why he won't be there in my future to continue to watch me grow. It is because of him and his unconditional love and care for me that I have grown to be the woman I am today. He will always be my first love, my first true best friend, and words cannot describe how beyond thankful I am that it was him and not anybody else. So, here is to moving on, not looking back, and allowing room for more napkins with names and numbers to enter my life.

Fear

Grey: "A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying." Recently I have been feeling fear win. Why is that? I mean at some point in our lives fear wins and then regret comes for not ever giving what you were scared of a chance and you promise yourself next time I am going to do it and when that next time comes around you sit there paralyzed going over all the negative "what ifs" not thinking about the positives.  That part for me was called high school and now that I am in college I find myself worrying about the same stuff I did in high school. I have challenged and succeed along with failed at a few a my fears.  Through fear comes time being wasted and life passing by because I/you are to damn scared to move and fail. It is the new year and every year I make this resolution and I stick to as much as I can and that is breaking my own fears. This year will be different needles and hights are small fears that have nothing to do with me feeling stuck, but then again maybe if I get over those two minor fears the big stuff will be easier to overcome. So, here is to another year of breaking personal fears that are holding you and me back from living life to the fullest.