Empty Shadow

For the past two-ish months I have been feeling dead inside. No matter what I do, I have this empty feeling following me, a shadow that won't go away.It's like I am sleep walking through life and I can't be woken up, numb. I feel like a dead ghost walking that's been over dosed with electric shock therapy. I have done things that I have been waiting very patiently to do just to come to the realization that it felt empty, as if it never even happened. I feel like I have a very empty heart without my best friend. I miss my best friend. My best friend is like no elses best friend. My best friend and I have built a friendship that sooooo many people wish for, yet so few get. My best friend and I built a friendship on pure genuine trust, honesty, and communication, the three pillars which are needed to form a lasting relationship. We were a perfect balance. My weaknesses were his strengths and my strengths were his weaknesses. We were there to encourage one another when no one else would. I found pure joy in watching him succeed and reach his goals. We genuinely cared and wanted the best for one another not ever expecting anything in return, unlike others. We had a connection that was in tune with our souls. We finished each others sentences and understood what the other was feeling when no one else could. My best friend was the only person who I could truly let me wall down around and be my stubborn self. He knew the words to my heart when I had forgotten them. I was once told that everyone walks around with a half soul, the other half is missing until you find the right person who makes you feel whole, your soul mate. He is my better half, the half of my soul that was missing, my soul mate. The day my best friend said goodbye to me I have never in my life cried as much or as hard as I did on December 29-2009. There was an odd feeling in my chest, a feeling that I never felt before. The part of me that was always filled, suddenly went empty. It was a physical emptiness, vacant feeling in my chest, in my soul. At that point a great cold chill came over my body, and I came to the realization that it was my best friends sweet measure of his soul that added so much happiness to my existence. I miss my best friend and the closeness we shared through our friendship. I know that he is a true blessing that has touched my life and inspired me to become a better person and to be the person I am today. Anyone who gets to meet this great soul, treat him well because after all he is my best friend and true blessing and gift to enter your life and if you hurt him I WILL come after you. I will always love him, care for him, and want the best for him.

Thinking of You

Pictures becasue I felt like it

Random Pictures/ My Birthday/ Valentines Day

Dinner at BJ's with Ariel, Eric and Rana <3 !

Eric having too much to drink and Rana wishing she could.....

 

This is suppose to be proof that I eat a piece of steak 

After dinner off to Clints for B-Day/V-Day party... There will be a re-do for my b-day since all the people I truly wanted there weren't there

 

Random Pictures of People and their awesomeness!!!..... 

  Rana and Me wait for 2010....

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Fun with Christine and Eric in Hollywood

 

Random Fun Stuff...

Paularino Elementary tile made in 1999 by Brother and ME! 

BCD Club tile made in 2003 at Davis Elementary

 

 Fab Five tile made in 2003 at Davis Elementary

Mariya having too much fun with Ariel's dog, Millie

Ariel being....Ariel.....

I think this says it all-ish....

NOT taken in 2006

 

Happy Love Day!!!!

You are only single if your heart says so, so don't end up like this guy. Give extra love to those who mean the most to you and you will see that you are filled with love. HAPPY LOVE DAY!!!!

Wishing You Were Here

This year I have entered my last year of teen-hood and every year this thing called "birthday" comes around. Every year you are suppose to make a wish over the candles because we all get at least one good wish a year and we hope that the wish we make over those candles will be that one good wish to come true. Some of us throw in more lucky stars, lucky penny, eyelashes, fountains, etc. when the birthday candles didn't work. Once in a blue moon these wishes come true. So what happens when that wish comes true? Is it as good as we’d hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness… or do we just notice we’ve got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished. We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help, or we’re scared, or missing someone and you wish they were there to help you blow out your candles. Even though we know we may be asking too much, we still wish though, because sometimes...they come true. Bring on the candles!!!

Fear of the Dark

When you’re little, night time is scary, because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older the monsters are still there but they turn into self doubt, loneliness, regret, etc. Even though we may think that we older and wiser you still find yourself scared of the dark. For some, sleep is the easiest thing to do, you just close your eyes and go off to dream land where scary monsters don't exist. But for some of us, who are still too scared to close our eyes cuz we think even in our sleep the monsters will come back and haunt us. Sleep just simply seems to be out of our grasp. We want it, we need it, but we don't know how to get it. Once our demons face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary, because we realize we aren't alone in the dark.

Wishful thinking in February

So today is the first day of the worst month...February...thank god its only 28 days long. I have never in my life ever wanted to change the day of my birth so much...is there a way I could I go back in time and chose to be born on any other day but the day RIGHT BEFORE Valentines Day or in this case S.A.D.?...wishful thinking...Maybe this February won't completely suck...I mean there are my friends who are trying to cheer me up about this dreadful month, and give me hope that it won't completely suck, even though the one person who I want the most to be there won't. I am not going to complete hate the next 28 days just the second weekend of this pathetic month and maybe if I force myself to smile through it I might enjoy it. After all, they've know about Big Bear since early December and I still have the room reserved, pathetic I know, that I actually think people will cancel their "hanging out with the guys road trip lets get some girls and party it up" plans to be with me. Like a child I hope- against all logic, against all experience. I never give up hope that they'll chose to be with me on this one weekend and not let other people and their plans get in the way... maybe it's just wishful thinking... can I just skip the hurt that I know I am going to feel when they chose the guys trip? Let's face it. It's more exciting to go with the guys than spend this one meaningful birthday weekend with me. Maybe it's just meaningful and important to me and not to them. I am not going to beg and plead, I am going to let them chose what's more important to them. A weekend spent with the guys or with me. Even though I know the answer, I am still going to have hope that they will see past a guys weekend and see that this is something that is important to me. Birthdays in snow come once a year- road trips come anytime...PLEASE chose a warm fire inside a cabin and snowball fights over an endless car ride...PLEASE!!!???...okay so I lied, maybe a little begging. Besides, how else are they suppose to know this is something that is important to me without saying a word? They are guys!, girls and road trips come first, warm fires and snowballs come second.